No Longer So Little Anymore (Jaden's First Day of Kindergarten)

It's August 27, 2012, and all ready it has been a rather memorable day.  The children in our neighborhood started their first day of school today.  These past couple weeks, I was trying to get a game plan of when I wanted to "officially" start Jaden's first day of kindergarten.  Within the last couple days, I decided I would start it on the same day as the other children in our neighborhood going to school.  So there I said it- the time has come, how all too quickly it has, where my first born son is in kindergarten.  You think you have time to prepare for this all.  It always seemed so far away, and yet, here it is.  One thing is different for me- instead of having to worry about Jaden riding a bus, is he going to behave, is he going to listen, is he going to get picked on, is he going to like his teacher, and all the other things parents worry about when they send their child to school for his first day, for a brief moment I found myself asking did we make the right decision to homeschool him.  We haven't made this decision lightly, and there are days I feel very confident of Rick's and my decision and other days not so much.  Today was one of those not so much days and this morning because of Jaden's response to his first day of kindergarten, I literally felt tears pooling up in my eyes and I fought hard to keep them at bay.
You see, more and more every day I am realizing that very little of what I plan in my life turns out the way I have planned it.  Homeschooling honestly never really entered my mind as something I would be doing when I had my first child.  I had no definite feelings on it one way or another.  I knew plenty of people who homeschooled and it always amazed me how they did it.  I knew of nothing other than Christian school, my husband was sent to a public school.  This was really all kind of scary for me when I realized the decision of what Rick and I were going to do in regards to Jaden for kindergarten was fastly approaching.  In my mind, there is no right or wrong, as I think is the case for all families when choosing the best option for your child(ren) and their schooling.  Children learn differently and I think the key really is to know how your child will best learn.  For some, it comes from their parents; for other, it comes from outside the home.   No matter how you decide to school your child, I do think we as parents all have one thing in common and that is that God has called us and given us the responsibility to be their NUMBER ONE teacher.  At home, we lay the foundation for how our child will turn out as an adult.  The way we raise our children will be a reflection on us. 
Rick and I spent a lot of time discussing and thinking over all the various options.  We took into account our different school experiences, but foremost, we wanted to make a decision that would give Jaden a vast opportunity to constantly be able to learn and have answers to his constant questions.  Jaden has a thirst for knowledge like no child I have ever seen (I am sure there are many out there like him so please don't take that to mean that I have a unique child).  I am just saying that he is a sponge and he is constantly wanting to absorb information and very rarely will you not find him asking questions and trying to understand how things work.  Really, I am not that way, and it is quite exhausting for me at times.  Sadly, sometimes it is even frustrating for me because I don't always have the answers or I don't always feel like I have the time to answer him.  I must say right here and now, my deciding to homeschool him is going to be challenging no doubt for all of us.  I am looking forward to it though because we have had so many opportunities as a family to learn so many things and do so many hands-on things because of Jaden's constant desire to learn.  My five year old has pushed me like no other person in my life to learn new things.  Granted, my memory is not what it used to be, and I just don't retain things like he does. Even in the midst of frustrating moments, he never ceases to amaze me with his passion for learning!
*I must interject here by saying, I do not doubt that our public school system could also fulfill Jaden's thirst for learning. I have absolutely nothing against public schools- all school systems have their strong points and their faults.  I have honestly heard good things about the public school he would be going to if we chose not to homeschool him.  I know people can get rather heated on their opinions when it comes to which schooling method is "right" or "wrong".  I pray that I don't ever get caught up in a heated debate with anyone about the best way to school a child.  I don't have all the answers to this, nor do I try to pretend to.   All I can say is I believe that as parents God has given us the ability to decide what is best for our children in this area.  You alone know your child the best and I do think this is a personal decison for families.  I hope I never feel like it is my place to say to someone else that they should be doing something different with their child's schooling.  Likewise, I don't desire to worry about what other people think I should be doing with my children.  I desire alone to follow how God has directed us to teach them right now.  I realize He might direct otherwise down the road, and I desire to be open to that time if it comes.  I want to be able to take this one year at a time and objectively evaluate his different needs from year to year and the same goes for when Kya and Sierra are of kindergarten age.  So with this all in mind, if you are reading this and you disagree with us homeschooling Jaden, please kindly keep these thoughts to yourself.  Rather, encouraging me through this would go a long way!  I know I am going to need all the encouragement I can get!*
I say I am going to need encouragement because Jaden's first day of kindergarten did not go at all like I thought it would.  I mentioned I have had my doubts at times as to whether homeschooling was the right thing for us to do with Jaden.  One of my biggest doubts has been centered around the fact that anyone who knows Jaden well knows that he is a social person.  He loves people!  He loves to learn from them, he is friendly to anyone he meets (and we need to be very careful with that!), and he loves to impart what he "knows" and share that with everyone (and most days he does that rather comically).  With this in mind, we have had a lot of people express concern over not sending him to school so he gets the social interaction he needs.  As I mentioned, it was a concern of mine too. But, through God's direction and people He has led us to meet (THANK YOU God for that blessing), I can assure you we are taking measures to give him interaction with others outside our family and I am so excited about that for him!  When doubts come to my mind about homeschooling, and thankfully those times are few, God has graciously reminded me of the blessing He gave me on one of our walks up to VBS this summer.  He led us to a homeschooling family who live just a couple blocks up the street and because of that we are going to get Jaden involved in 4H.  He has led us to other opportunities and it has served as a reminder that there will be times I will feel discouraged and maybe even second guess our decision (like this morning).  But, I was also reminded this morning that God WILL be there every step of the way because in my heart I do know that I am following His plan for Jaden this year in this area of schooling.  I know I CAN do this through His help!
I keep mentioning about his first kindergarten day- so let me tell you about it.   I woke up earlier than normal, spent some time reading, and got my shower.  I woke Jaden up to start his first day of kindergarten and I thought he would be so excited.  Instead,  he was keenly aware that his friend in our neighborhood was starting school today and bless his little heart (and I was not prepared for this at all) he was sad and upset that he was not going to school also.  He was so upset that I told him I was going to take his picture for his first day of kindergarten and he refused to smile for me.  Instead, he looked like he was about to cry.  I tried to coax him to smile and I asked him what was wrong.  I would have simply just loved to deny that a struggle within him was taking place, I would have loved to just shrug this off, but I don't need to say how bad or insensitive a parent that would have made me.  I cannot even explain to you how I felt at that moment when I had the thought that maybe we had just made the biggest mistake of our lives in choosing to homeschool him.  I literally felt my heart sink watching him as he himself was trying to understand why he felt so sad and he was crying.  I could feel the tears pulling up in my own eyes.  I had to put them aside and let him talk this out with me.  He struggled to tell me what he was feeling and I truly hoped he wasn't having a hard time explaining how he was feeling because he thought I would be mad or upset at him. 
I must admit, and call me dumb or think whatever you want, but I found myself quite baffled by his response.  I am so thankful though that God gave me the insight to put two and two together as to what was going on in his little head.  Clearly, he was having the feeling this morning like he was missing out on something.  To some degree, I guess he is "missing out" on some things.  While I can understand that, it still caught me off guard to have my little precious guy wresting with this all this morning.  I am just way too practical I guess for my own good at times, I mean he is not doing anything new in regards to school this year.  I have been homeschooling Jaden for a year now.  Before Rick and I decided to officially homeschool Jaden for kindergarten, we decided it was best for me to do a "pre-trial" homeschool run with Jaden to see if I could keep up.  We purchased kindergarten curriculum for him, and he did a great job at it and worked his way through most of it (some of it I didn't bother with for various reasons).  He excelled so much that we ordered some first grade work for him this year.  I was amazed out how well he did with it and we knew from that "pre-trial" run that we wanted to continue with homeschooling him.  We have spent a lot of time trying to prepare him also for not going to school like the rest of his friends.  I guess I missed some clues maybe to the struggle that was taking place in him with not going. 
I can say I am finally realizing just how hard it is to choose what method of school is best for your children.  It is hard to explain to a child why he is doing his school at home when there is that part of him that desires to go to school.  From my experience this morning, I am realizing that there is a part of Jaden that wants to experience school with other children and that makes me realize so much more how important things like 4H and other various activities with other children are going to be for him.  He needs that social interaction to make him feel fulfilled.  He may not understand any time soon why we have made this choice.  But, I was encouraged because I, as his parent, was able to sit down and explain to him why we have choosen to keep him home and do his school here.  I was able to do something that he would have not have gotten had he went to public school this morning and that is sit down with him, read a devotional with him, and pray for him to have a good first day of school.   I know without a doubt, doing that helped ease some of his sadness of not going to school like all his other friends and it reminded me that though some days will be hard with this, I need to remember where my strength is going to come from so I can teach him effectively.
After reading the devotional- which was on thankfulness- I had him draw a picture of something he was thankful for.  He wrote I love you God, and he said he was thankful for his toys (I also asked him to do one more thing he was thankful for other than toys) and he said his family.  As we did a couple more things, I was so glad to see that it wasn't long before I was able to take pictures of him doing things that made him smile.  He learned a new math concept today and he even got to create his own games and have me play them with him.  Who knows what we are in for this school year, but I am so grateful I have this chance to mold his little heart and teach him and see first hand what he is learning.  That moment of him getting a concept and the smile that spreads over his face when he learns something for the first time will be worth the frustrations I know we will face at times.  (Mommy can't help but love that she gets to take pictures of him at school too). :)